Headache.

Predestination noun the theory or the belief that everything that happens has been decided or planned in advance by God or by fate and that humans cannot change it.

Predestined adj. ~ (to do sth) (formal) already decided or planned by God or by fate.

Fate. Like when I opened the dictionary in order to find the meaning of “Premonition” but stumbled upon those two words that had my brows furrowed. And my fingers typing. Fate. You know what fate is.

But if you’re too lazy to improve; born poor die poor, born stupid die stupid, is that fate?

I mean, if we take it like, “Ah, God has decided that I’m gonna be weak at trigonometry so.. you know.. “

You know...

What I understand about life is, it’s gonna be kind to you if you just, like what they say, go with the flow. But wait until you think, “Hey, I want to change this. I wanna do it my way. Gotta set off to create my own destiny,” that is when it’s gonna be hard on you.

And that is when you’re gonna go all “LIFE IS UNFAIR!” and maybe followed by no less than a dozen of complementary cuss words because cuss words are the basis of an angry speech. So that people know that you are angry. Penambah perisa, pelengkap sajian.

Like, you started off with a very good intention, but you ended up in this shithole. Shithole - that’s the word I prefer. Because you didn’t plan to fall and get hurt but you fell and got hurt. The thing about unplanned things are they just happen if they want to happen and there’s nothing you can do about it. They drive you crazy.

I guess that’s fate. Nasty fate.

Compare this life to the journey or the adventure of a canyoneer. He climbs and jumps across mountains and canyons all his life triumphantly without failing, like a big fuckin hard hero, always doing things on his own. Little did he know that one day he’s gonna fall into a deep crack in the Earth’s surface with the most notorious boulder trapping his arm which made him stuck in that canyon for five days with insufficient food and water supply. Nobody was there to help him. He was all alone.

Life is pretty much unpredictable. It makes you insane.

Yea, it’s the movie 127 Hours and I’ve been thinking about the whole point since the first time I saw it, back in March when I didn’t really know James Franco. But when I found out all about the stuff he did and how gorgeous he really is, I watched the movie another two times. The last time was just now. My mum got really nervous when Aron cut his arm.

 OK.

Then there’s another thing that goes along with fate; Choice. Every day we make choices from what time you wanna wake up to what time you wanna hit the sack back. And all your choices will bring about the appropriate effect on you, also on the people around you. For instance if you choose to not take a shower, then you’re gonna smell and the people about you might even pretend that they don’t know you, even if they’re your family. So we choose. We choose this instead of that and a series of events follow as a result. Is that considered fate? I mean, had we chosen a different path, would that means we changed our fate?

No. Because everything is predestined. If Allah wants it to happen then all the king's horses and all the king's men, including all the jinn and any creature at all can't stop it from happening. 

All these choices that you make in life, all the "The Road Not Taken” thingy, is there such thing as a wrong choice? How can you make a wrong choice if you’re destined for it? And the people who came into your life, who seemed to only have messed with only that one part of your life when in truth they actually have messed with your entire life, why did God allow them to come into your life when life was all fine back in those days when you didn’t even know them at all?

It makes the least sense in the world.

Hidup akan tekan kau sampai kau melutut, terduduk. Life’s gonna push you down on your knee and make you scream for it to stop and leave you alone. You’re gonna start to think then why must all that happen to you because you’re a good person but the answer is not just gonna appear out of thin air. Some people have to deal with that thing that weighs down on them for years. Some survived. Some ended up in the asylum, some ended up dead – because they gave up. And the most torturing is the thing that you can’t actually tell anybody about because it’s impossible that they’d understand. And that’s why the belief in God is so important for us humans.

Patience. You don’t get mad when your sister keeps drinking that water you kept chilled in the refrigerator without asking your permission beforehand – you’re patient. You don’t get angry when you have to wash your mattress every time your cat pee on it – you’re very patient. Wait until you have to deal with something else that’s gonna strain every muscle in your brain. Wait until those stupid thoughts starts screaming in your head, depriving you from sleep. Wait until you feel like banging your head with a brick. It gets very tricky.

Patience. It’s something hard. But if you want to get out of this mess alive, patience isn’t an option. It’s the only choice you have. Like when Aron had to cut this one urat in his arm, the most excruciating part of the story but he cut it anyway because if he was too scared to deal with the pain of cutting it and stop, he would’ve died. Sebab tangan dia dah terbarai.

Even writing this makes me depressed.

Nobody plans to fall, nobody plans to be broken and nobody plans to get hurt. My intentions were good, I know they were.

The thing about life is, you have to always talk to God and ask Him why does he put you in such circumstances. But you can’t see God, you can’t hear Him and that is the beauty of it. You read it right - that’s the beauty of it. You may think God doesn’t care about you and that you’re gonna lose your mind, you’re jaded, you just want to blow your head up, kill yourself and die, leave it all, leave this mean little world but you decided not to – that’s the beauty of it.

I don’t know why did He put me in the situation that I had never ever imagined I would fall into and He alone knows my greatest weakness. But I know He didn’t do it “for fun”.

Sabar. Pahala sabar paling besar.

I mean, everybody is going to have to “amputate their arm” at one point in their lives. And that is when you know that your life will never be the same again. Just don’t give up. Cuz the last thing you want to do is to give up. And don’t be angry. You say you’re tired but God knows you’re not yet that tired.

In the end, you would want to stand on the highest peak and be able to say,

“I’m all weary and beaten-up, but I’m still standing,”

And strike that pose, you strike that pose, even if with minus an arm.

I’m gonna strike that pose. We are all gonna strike that pose. Insha Allah. God is Ar-Rahman, Ar-Rahim. You betcha.